Saying goodbye isn’t just about waving off someone you call a friend, or a family member that you won’t be seeing for some time. Or when you wish your colleagues or class mates a nice evening as you head off after a day spent earning or learning. It can also be when you’re just over something, and you bid it farewell. Signing it off in your mind, or even deeper, in your heart.
I feel like i’ve forever been saying goodbye. Losing a friend and my grandfather in the same year, when I was just eleven years old. After that, it felt like every year someone was kicking the bucket in my family. Luckily I come from a very large family, so there are still plenty of us kicking about, avoiding those darn buckets. Two of my brothers left home in close proximity when I was just thirteen years old, followed soon after by my sister. Then sadly it was my fathers time to actually vamoosh. The hardest of them all. I’ve received a beautiful message from a dear friend back home this week, who has sadly had a loss in their family recently, and it is just another reminder of how often this word is used. I’m not comparing a death to what’s about to follow, but i’m just saying, there are various forms of goodbye, and some are a lot healthier and happier than others.
Friends come and go, true friends stick around. Those we call our partner come and go. When you’re travelling, you meet so many people, daily, that come in to your life and leave just as quickly. Due to the excitement in our adventures, these are the happiest people i’ve met (since school that is), as we’re all about exploring, not getting tied down, and still figuring out if this thing called life, is actually just really The Truman Show. This week alone, i’ve said goodbye to two new friends. Not friends I just met on a coach or in a hostel, admittedly, that is how I met them, but we’ve caught up since. Last weekend was spent with them, and it ended with me bidding a safe journey to one, as she headed off on her long haul journey back home to The States. Tonight, I met up with the other one, before wishing her all the best on her last few days in Auckland.
We covered a few topics on our catch up tonight, but on my walk home, whilst wearing my first coat since hanging it up six months ago (hello Autumn), I got to thinking, as I pretty much always do, about what goodbye can also mean.
A few days ago, you may have seen my post about what a crush can do to someone. Well, either the other party in question read that post and realised the error of his ways so has backed off, or he’s like a lot of other men i’ve said goodbye to in my life, and all the confidence I had in him being a genuine guy, was a big fat falsie.
Today we were reunited in the office after six days apart. And well, it was instantly the complete opposite of what it’s ever been. Not only was the ‘spark’ not there, but the friendship felt like a chore. He was offish, had lost his bants, his eye contact even, and I was feeling somewhat miffed with him, but couldn’t put my finger on it as to why.
We went on a pre-arranged lunch, that I had tried to bail on, but he was having none of it. It wasn’t just the two of us, he was taking me to meet up with one of his high school/uni friends. Because apparently, it’s set in stone, that if you’re in your thirties and still single, you must meet and form a connection with others on the same skateboard, (more affordable than a boat). Yawn. It was kind of awkward. For a number of reasons:
- He hadn’t caught up with this guy in years, so why would a random at the event be advisable
- I was miffed with him for going from hot to freezing in days
- I was utterly busy at work and knackered from a crazy week trying to cram five days of work into three
- The wife was mentioned more than once
- I was an outsider who has a high level of sarcasm and can’t be trusted with her mind around newbies that are not prepared for my arrival
Turns out, the friend, is an awesome person! The colleague, not so much. We got back to the office, and zero conversation occurred. Now yes, this is great when i’ve a shed load of work to do, but when you’re used to your IM going crackers to then it being the equivalent of a dead messenger pigeon, it’s just odd.
And then, then it came. The epiphany. I’m over it. I’m saying goodbye to the crush that was. Of course i’ll always remember the hour long confession he gave me, i’m a woman after all, we never forget. That little bit of me will always be flattered. But now that bit of me will always think, what a joke. Fooled again. However, not really fooled, as I ain’t too fussed, it was fun whilst it lasted, having a new friend, but genuine friendships are not meant to be hard work, and shouldn’t make your brain ache. So, sure, if he’s making a Milo whilst i’m grabbing a green tea, i’ll be polite, but you’ve lost your lunch buddy and all time fun loving good gal pal matey boy. Your loss. Plus me being me, talk total codshit to anyone with ears, so as much as I spend a lot of time on my toddage, when i’m around another being, i’m always secretly auditioning for the role of my new fweeeend.
Not only did my previous post on this then help clear my head (writing is a great thing for me in that sense), but if he did read it then it helped put an end to all this as he was, I dunno; embarrassed, annoyed with me, using the old ‘back off and it’ll blow over’ method (which he should have done originally, then his guilty conscience would never have had to be cleared, and my innocent day dreams could have remained). Or, he didn’t see it and he’s just an oddball. Oh well.
Don’t fret though, my lil yawning readers, or judgemental passer by people, this blog isn’t turning in to some teenagers diary, I just prefer to write things down than talk to my teddy bear. Surely i’m not the only one out there that’s experienced this, so you never know, other connections could be made. Out with the old and in with the new. That’s right aye.
So, ‘goodbye’, as hard as it can be to say ta-ta to those that make you smile, it can also be a good blessing, making space for even more peeps in your life. Saying that, i’ve a lot of space, and welcome all new smile worthy troops. Come, say hi, and if one day we have to say goodbye, just take the good from it, there IS always some good, and use that as fuel to smile at someone new, welcoming them in to our life. I mean, if after 33 years of what feels like continuous goodbye’ing, i’m still smiling, is it really such a bad word?!
Someone i’ve known for four months can’t get all the glory in this post mind, so to all the chums and acquaintances I know back in England, and to all the glorious faces that i’ve been lucky enough to meet whilst here in New Zealand, you all hold a Kodak memory in my aging filthy mind, and for the majority of you, I wouldn’t be unhappy if I got to see you again at some point. Therefore, goodbye, for now, but remember me…and keep in touch. Even if it to tell me to pipe down and talk about something you really find interesting. I could always recommend Ceefax…
I’m such a hippy! On that note, tschüss! xxx