Social Media is great for trickery isn’t it just. I mean, a couple of kodaks here, a couple more there, all of breath-taking scenery and fun times, and the assumption that life is a hoot and is shimmering in gold is sold to all the peepers.
Okay, so my life is pretty darn good, and i’m not taking anything for granted. I managed to get a visa, by myself, to get me in to New Zealand, I can afford a roof over my head, i’ve fallen in love, i’ve some great friends, I enjoy my work, I get to travel and my work/life balance is pretty nifty. However, all that aside, it could be looked at differently. I can afford the roof over my head, but not a great deal else, and don’t even mention the savings plan, #failedit. I have some great friends – all over the world, but only a handful within easy reach. I want to travel more. My work is great, but being dealt a shoddy card by the shoddy management one too many times is taking it’s toll.
2016 has been a positive year so far, and to see that it’s April already is just shocking. The first quarter of the year mind you, all in all, it’s been fun. So why the glum face? I’ve hit a wee bit of a bump in the road. I’ve had a few stressful moments occur this year, and with them all happening at the same time, it took me a wee while to realise they all hit me as hard as they did. That and a talk with the doctor.
The biggest positive I got from aforementioned man in a white coat, was 14 tiny little heavenly superb feeling when swallowed tinsy tiny sleeping tablets. Man, seriously, drop one, 10 minutes later, out for the count. Complete coma until the alarm bleeps off early the next day. I can see how people get addicted to these things. I’m already breaking out in a cold sweat knowing I’ve got less than a weeks worth left!
I’d spent some time (not days, more like months) being a bit of a recluse at work. Sitting at my work station, headphones on, head down and working (not as hard as I do now, but getting shit done all the same). ‘Good morning’ and ‘See ya’ were pretty much the only words that left my mouth. Even setting my IM status to ‘Do Not Disturb’, just to really help blacken that cloud. Then, 30 minutes in that doctors room, and the positivity that was coming out of me was incredible. We ran some tests, ticked some boxes, and then to his surprise, and mine too, I was diagnosed as being severely depressed. Brilliant. Once we started discussing it more, it made sense. Work has been dragging me down for months now, a few colleagues even pointed out to me that I’ve been bullied by management. I failed to see this as I was just used to them treating me the way they did, I lost my mojo and just thought about my VISA, “I just have to grizz it out to get my visa, that’s all. Not long now. Two years isn’t that long. Is it?”. Outside of work, my Personal Training sessions were no longer affordable, humidity was kicking in, finances were dwindling, and my motivation for anything was going right before my very eyes. My mind was on constant overdrive, and sleep was non existent. Seeing signs of history returning, with paranoia and jealousy kicking, I had to be careful. I didn’t want to screw up my new relationship when it had only recently began (and he is a keeper!), yet somehow, with him, I just talk. I think in the day how ashamed I am of how I’m so down and what I’m going through, and tell myself that I’m saying nothing to him. Then, I see him, and the same with two close friends, and it just all comes out. I’m sure they’re filming me secretly, it’ll make millions as car crash TV. It’s a good thing, that it comes out; they get to understand what’s going on with me and I get to smash open that bottle. That’s a metaphor for bottling things up, I’ve actually not touched a drop of alcohol for a few weeks now.
I had a visitor earlier in the year, and it was tough for me. Real tough. Families, hard work.
I like to think I’m a kind and positive person, always happy to help people out when needed, sometimes it leads me to being a bit of a doormat, but I do generally like to help out and make sure everyone’s happy and my infectious smile remains in place, and even passes on. However, the negativity of that one person near me, and just, sheesh I can’t even begin to describe the emotions that are going through my body just reliving it now, painful. That’s it, that’s the word to describe it, ‘painful’. I have tried for so long, oh so long to help this person, 18 years I’ve been trying, and I feel like it’s my biggest fail in life. I just can’t help them. For so long I’ve said I’ve given up trying to help, which to a point is true. However, when they’re then suddenly under your nose again, it feels cruel to just roll the eyes and say ‘enough is enough’. Even though the eyes did roll, a record breaking amount.
Dealing with this for a little over a month, and with the work situations, with the lack of exercise and sleep to keep me level headed, I not only hit a wall, I designed the blue prints and had said wall built through my mind. Changes had to be made.
In I walk to that waiting room…
Sleeping tablets, happy pills, vitamins pain pills (on top of this, I got a killer back problem at the moment too) not only have me rattling all day, but leave me with the taste of metal 24/7, it’s driving me insane. All food tastes a bit bland: this could be a mixture of my tastebuds and my general mood just being down. It hasn’t stopped me eating mind you, I’m an emotional eater, so I’m definitely bullying my tastebuds with trying to taste something, by overpopulating my mouth with food all the live long day. I know exercise will cure this, I just need to get those energy levels back up. Sleep is definitely the key one here tho, and it is totally on the up. Baby steps… I’m aware it takes time, but it also takes being able to talk about it, and realising it’s not an abnormal occurrence in the population these days, and no one is every truly alone.
Plans moving forward:
- Don’t bottle things
- Don’t overthink
- Shut up, I’m being silly
- Once the sleeping pills are up, try this grown up thing of sleeping without aids. Go back to the doctors and discuss the results, along with blood test results
- Continuing altering my diet. Cut out all the emotional junk and continue with the nutritious bites
- Exercise! I’m currently just sponsoring a gym, actually go and see what the equipment there does
- Pick up my Kindle again, getting lost in a book has kept me distracted and switched off for many years. Let’s get lost again!
- Get on top of the finances – I’ve just opened a new savings account. Now I just need to add to it. Regularly.
- Just keep smiling and remember how much I like me when I’m happy and positive. And hey, if I like me, then I’m pretty confident others will too
I know what I have just realised, a few paragraphs up I said how I think in the day that I don’t want to talk about this to my boyfriend/friends in the evening, as I’m ashamed. Yet, here I am, just throwing it out there on the ol’ t’interweb. Not that expecting a gazillion eyes to scroll over it, but you know what I mean. Turns out, I have no shame. Mind you, some of my oldest friends already knew that aye, haha.
I’m off for a skip in the sunshine. Yes I have to do all of the above, but I don’t have to grow up fully now do I, and if I wanna skip, I’m gunna skip. Hell, I may even gallop!
Pip pip my lovelies xxx