I have never been one to be overly thrilled with my appearance. My eyes I like, my smile, when it’s beaming, ain’t all bad, and my wrists, I like my wrists, being so delicate and what not. The rest, I’ll pass thank you, and skip right in to the Customer Service line for a refund. As I’m not a 14 year old school girl mind you, I need to grizz it out and deal with it.
This year I am proud to say I have given up smoking and reduced the level of alcohol that enters my body by a gigantic margin, yes yes, pat on the back to me.
However, herein lies many a problem. I used the above to be the reason behind my weight gain. When actually, if I act like the adult that I am for just one moment, it’s actually probably just 1% of the above. The other 99% behind the reason I’ve gained 2 inches on each thigh and weigh 11kgs more than I did on this day two years ago, along with having poor sleep, bad skin, and 101 other things is linked to my terrible sugar addiction (seriously, 400g of chocolate could be consumed by me in under 5 minutes, no fib), the fact my pathetic sporadic runs are the only exercise I’ve achieved since my PT sessions ended in November, libido – “where for art thou?”, I’ve let my depression take over and the side effects of the medication are over taking the positives. Yes I know, I need to stick at them to achieve good things, but why can’t just ruddy work already and let me be who I was when I liked me. Obviously I can’t even pretend to deny that I don’t have insecurities, I clearly do. Yet, at the moment, it’s taking over. Sure I’m having some good sessions with a fantastic counsellor, but I’m being most impatient. Which, is natural, right? I’ve removed myself from social occasions, I have become a recluse at the office (not a bad thing since I’m the biggest fan of the place, or the beings in it), I envy anyone with a pulse for something or other, all because my glum mood (to summarise) makes me feel so worthless, and everyone else like a prince/ss.
I’m also feeling a smidge lonely. Well a lot if I’m being honest. Not really surprising considering I’ve removed myself from social occasions aye. My chums from home are coming up regularly with my nostalgia day dreams, and with the reduction in Facebook useage (it’s that time where I think it’s more annoying than rewarding again) I realise how few of them try other ways to keep in touch. I’ve turned down a few social occasions recently, again, for a number of reasons. I know there is a fine line between wimping out and genuinely knowing it’s not a bad decision to stay home, but I won’t be backed into a corner. If I don’t want to go somewhere where I’ll feel trapped or scared that I’m stuck there, then I won’t, it’s better for everyone, but more importantly, better for me. I also won’t hang out with people if I really don’t want to, one on one or in a group. I don’t want to have to be fake and pretend I’m comfortable when I’m not. To me these are big steps, but it all simply just comes down to be honest.
A big positive to come up soon however, two actually: I’m off to Melbourne this week with my bestest squirrel to visit one of our ol’ colleagues and her chap. Very much looking forward to that break! Altho, hand luggage only could’ve been a bit of an error/blessing in disguise with all the shopping I’ve heard of being available over there.
The big news mind you, eeek, so excited… I’m moving in with my wonderful Saint that is (not sure how he puts up with me, love him) my boyfriend when I’m back from my long weekend. WINNING!!! The good thing is, not only is that exciting enough, considering I get ‘what I like to call’ “munchkin hands”* every time I even just think about him, it will also be better for me in many other ways. Considering four other wonderful people live in the aforementioned abode, I will not be on my tod as much, over thinking worthless thoughts. Secondly, they do a communal grocery shop/dinner creation, therefore, a better nutritional diet and no corners to hide in, binging eating shite. Finanical reasons also come into it, that’s always an awkward given to be pleased about. But, ultimately, I get to sleep next to the one I love every day, live with some awesome people and start to have closer support to turn my life around. I’m no charity case, don’t get me wrong, but I’m a stubborn mare when I want to be, so living with a constant audience spurs me on to not let any of them see me let myself down. I, like a lot of people, don’t wanna be judged or talked badly of, so I’m defo taking this opportunity to better myself, so that people enjoy spending time with the better, and real, me.
Failing that, I’ve also signed up for a free CrossFit trial the week after I move in. So after that I won’t be able to move and so no one will have to witness my fruit loop ways.
*munchkin hands are when one gets excited, and the hand forms into a fist motion and pulses. All whilst I make a bizarre excitable ‘eeeek’ noise. My friend Izzy doesn’t call me Quirky Kirky for no reason!