“My neck, my back, my neck and my back”

Work / Life Balance. That’s all the rage this day and age isn’t it just. When I was a youth, it was fact that my parents worked full time, we went to school, we came home, ate dinner, went to bed. Weekends we played, outside. Then sleep, cleanse, repeat. For 16 years. It worked.

“A change is as a good as a rest.”

Wise words from my pops, that have stuck with me. However, change is happening, but I’m not sure I feel totally rested truth be told. Next year is my twenty year school reunion. Twenty years, flippin Nora, where has the time gone?! Sure it feels like it’s gone fast and what not, but I’m going to be positive and remember all the great things I have achieved in that time. However, what is on my mind of late is that by now, shouldn’t I be more settled down? More ‘adult’? More financially stable? Well so what if I am, but more importantly, shouldn’t I be more healthy? Hmm, interesting.

I feel, most days, that I’m on my way out, I’ve done my 94 years (Ambitious.) and it’s been a good stint. However, the aches, the pains, the nausea, the constant discomfort and exhaustion. I’m hitting the wall continuously. It’s unfortunate, sure, but, it’s life, so I know I know, just shut up and deal with it sweetcheeks.

I wish it was that easy. I can’t explain (I know I have tried many many times) how it feels every single god darn day to wake up having had a terrible nights sleep, to feel sick, have pains and not be able to go to the bathroom, or get dressed, or even walk, sit, stand, sneeze, laugh…live, without being brought close to tears. Due to all this, I’m unable to exercise, what with not being able to move an’all, so the weight is going up and I’m just a handful of kgs shy of being the heaviest I’ve every been in my entire existence. This makes me sad. Considering when two years ago I thought I was crazy fat. Along with everything else, I’m very sad. Sigh…

I wish I could once again be as fat as I was when I thought I was fat

With regular visits to the doctors, and with redonkulous levels of pain killers and drugs doing jack shiz, I’m basically at the end of my tether right about now. It’s putting a stop to my life. I can’t do exercise, my partner and I can’t do fun stuff at weekends (cycles, hikes, general all round anything that involves movement), and I feel a lot like my life is over. Put that in the mix as a base and add having to wake up every day feeling that way, but having to try hard to act life everything is fine so that I can face work, conversations with my friends or just general catch ups and trying not to sound bitter, negative or let my insecurities of being so overweight and hideous, is hard. I just want to hide under the duvet.

I’ve had x-rays, internal violations – sorry – internal exams, unlimited blood tests, Health Insurance won’t cover me for owt because it’s a “pre-existing condition”, nincompoops. I’ve received the referral from to apply for an MRI on the public health care, hey, I pay my fair share in taxes!, and am continuing with the waiting game. What else can I do goddamnit?! I’ve another appointment this evening, so answers on an instant message please, snail mail would miss the cut on this one.

Wouldn’t it be great to put my love of writing in to a profession. I can crawl to my sofa, rest up and spend the day knocking back the supplements and pulling the odd looking stretch moves out the bag whenever I needed to and not worry about onlookers, and just be with my laptop, and maybe a cat, I could defo get a cat if I was home all day then, and write. Just write. Earn a wage and live happier ever after.

Yeah right, coz life IS that easy. And that’s why at 35 I am having to life like a whinging old hag.

Whincey smiles and gentle crippled posture hugs my dear chums xxx

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