Downward dog? But my gu(n)t says no.

Day 1. Fat.

Day 2. Still fat.

Day 3. I wish I was as fat as I was on Day 1.

Day 4. I wonder if it would hurt to sew, or even staple, my mouth shut?

Day 268. I’m a mess.

Today. Let’s sort this shit.

I don’t want to sound stereotypical here, but let’s just for arguments sake agree that yes, i’m a woman, a very large (no pun intended) percentage of women are unhappy with their bodies, their image and how they feel. The three aren’t necessarily linked, but in my case, they are.

Sure, i’ve had many ‘attempts’ of wanting to slim down and get fit. Well, at my age, 21 if you must know…*tumbleweed*…, i’ve finally realised, it’s not about just slimming down and getting fit. It’s about getting healthy. Like really healthy. Considerate of what chemicals as well as food I put into my body. Through snacks, meals, junk, beauty products, daily atmosphere, we really do need to be alert to this, and get educated.

My back pain has reached a point now, where for the last 6-10 months, i’ve not been able to sneeze, cough, laugh, sit, shit, stand, dress, sleep, walk, run, generally move without wincing or at times, cry. My most recent PT (who I’ve now had to part ways with due to me finding putting my underwear on worse than any resistance work out right now) put me in touch with an awesome naturopath. This was beyond eye opening.

Sure, I started this post whilst it was Easter weekend and I was home alone for the long weekend. Being the holiday of sugar, and unsupervised. Judge all you want. Hell, I am!

I’ve only got myself to blame, I know this, i’m not blaming anyone else. Although, oi, partner, stop letting me eat your chips and chocolate that you binge on occasionally. Myself though, that’s who to blame. Before I went to America back in February of this year, I was doing feckin mayzen. Sugar free for a good couple of months, and okay my weight was very slowly decreasing, and hell, even in America we ate so well, we didn’t have fast food even once!! I didn’t have the headaches, the bad skin, the ratty mood, the terrible nights sleep. Why do I do it!!! I’m sure i’m not the only one. It’s a boredom tiredness lonely thing. But, whilst doing it, I know i’m doing it. Round and round in circles. Not any more, I am gunna take the 3 days it takes me to clean myself of sugar, and then that’s it, Day 1 of not feeling shit can knock on my door, and from there, wise choices only.

Since starting this post, two months ago (shucking hell man, where is this year going!?), a lot has changed. I’ve still been eating a lot of sugar mind you. Positives: I got approved for an MRI Scan and Endometriosis surgery, just waiting on the dates to come through. These are giant steps, and I’m totally stoked with this. Literally jumping with joy. Negatives, or rather, what I like to call, ‘Things to work with’: I got diagnosed with M.E., easily referred to as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

That was a shock. Going in to the doctors with a cold and sinus pain, I was expecting to just be told I had sinusitis, here are some meds, on your way… nope.

I changed my GP at my surgery around 6 months ago, purely to have one that worked around my working timetable better, and well, thank bejaysus I did, this one has been a star. He has been working through my file, and my fortnightly visits for that whole time, and with discussions with my naturopath also, it was noted that this should have been picked up on before, but it’s confirms all the other shiz that has been manifesting in my body, my mind, my life. A diagnosis was confirmed. I was signed off work for two weeks, to take time to research the disease and quite simply, rest.

Now, I’m not the easiest person to rest, I’m sure my partner will back me up on that. I get bored, I feel useless, chores don’t get done by sitting on your backside, dinners don’t get cooked, laundry doesn’t go down, but, somehow, maybe by the assistance of the cold I had, I was able to sleep. Nap. Sleep some more, and hey, even have an extra nap or two. I also rested with a lot of terrible TV: Real Housewives of New York, Southern Charm, The Bachelor, GIRLS. Hey, it was a distraction from my dire life, don’t judge me.

The cold wasn’t appearing to vanish, so I had some drugs to help that, and some drugs for my back pain, but in general, from the rest, and listening to my body, I was actually starting to feel some improvement. With the 101 books I felt I read over this period, along with the vast amount of world wide web searches I performed, I felt that I was starting to understand what ME/CFS really is.  Reading for me is what I do to escape, so I’ve returned all those reference books back to the library, and now the only book i’m willing to pick up, is fiction. It’s my escape, my downtime, my rest period aider.

What I needed to do, one simple thing: listen to my body. Yeah, that ain’t easy in the slightest. But, what I did decide was a good thing, was to put pen to paper and be honest with myself about what was important to me, and what I needed and wanted in life, not what I felt that I had to do. Ultimately, I wanted to be rested and pain free, and healthy. I’m still researching this disease, and still have a long road ahead of me, I appreciate this, and I probably still need to really boot myself up the plumpous, but, with the very difficult decision of resigning from my job done, I can now take that time. I’m just thrilled I have something to work with. Something to help me use as a base to assist my necessary lifestyle changes.

I’ve been at my current job for 9 months, complete 180 from my previous job, and I really enjoy it. The people are great, the company is fantastic, clearly not helping my decision. It was hard. Real hard. But at my age, again, no need to disclose again and again, other things have to take priority. If only I’d had that mentality many moons ago, I could have prevented this shenanigans. Coulda woulda shoulda right. What use is looking in the past, that just makes things worse (I laugh at knowing my partner will roll his eyes the second he reads that, haha), maybe, for now, each day is going to be Day 1 of learning something new and trying to educate myself in to fixing myself. All will be dandy as pie. I have high hopes.

Right now, I’m off to eat burger and watch The Lions smash the Blues at Eden Park. This should probably be Day 1 of educating myself on rugby, as I’m sure many of you will disagree with that statement.

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