Whilst I sit in my happy place, the airport, waiting for my delayed happy mode of transportation, not only am I resting my laptop on my gunt, I’ve also been here since the sun has set, and therefore, whilst walking to and from the eateries, wine pourer and confectionary retailer, I’ve been fortunate enough to catch sight of my reflection on the now blacked out by the evening sky windows. It’s such an awful site. Seriously. Not the darkened tarmac, my reflection. I’m once again at my heaviest, where I was last year before I lost ALL that weight I joyously harped on about, but I’m also suffering with lack of sleep, dull skin, adult acne, greasy hair…what do you meant stop right there, surely it’s out of envy as I sound like such a catch don’t I just.
You’ve all read articles similar to this 101 times I’m sure, but I don’t really mind. I’m putting it out there as I need to. I need to hold myself accountable. I have a very tinsy support network in my life, and so the way I find ease in cleansing my mind of all the negative thoughts, is by sharing out to the cyber world. Sure, it doesn’t fix me completely, but bugger me, if I didn’t even do this, a repeat of New Years 2017/18 could occur… the eagerness to walk out to the 2am ocean and let it just ride me away to a peaceful end. Oopsers. The goal is to never be awake a that time of day for one.
I’ve a wedding this weekend. Hear that, it’s the social anxiety alarm deafening you. It’s up high. My Chappy is part of the wedding party so he gets the royal treatment, sitting at the head table. Now don’t get me wrong, all of his chums based down on the Mainland are absolutely adorable. A complete different breed of humans as to what I’ve been treated to before. They make me feel like I’m in a safe, judgement free, fun, honest group, and I love that. But that ain’t stopping no sister from hating on herself about her appearance and having the ability to relax, no siree. Whilst I’ve thought about the table of potential strangers I’ll be dining with, I just know I have to make him proud. I can’t let him down as well as myself. It’s hard, but it’s an event that isn’t about me. It’s about two darling people wanting to perform an event known as a wedding, and have invited me share that memory with them. What huns.
I’ve got lollies in my bag currently, after already having large glass of rose to wash down my Big Mac meal with chicken nuggets on the side. Even though I was still full from my two 6” Subways at luncheon. I have zero control. Simple. I never get full. Or when I am full, I don’t care, I’ll eat for something to do, for the attempt to perk myself up. Knowing I’ll continue to feel like shit, get even fatter, risk ruining all the great things I’ve done to ease my back issues, add further issues to my endometriosis, fibromyalgia, PCOS and just general anxiety and low mood. Let us not call it depression, as I try too often to cover that up with an “i’m okay” act. If I’m not going to own it, I can’t claim it’s deserved title. Honestly, the second I have a salad or a bowl of my fave veggies, I instantly feel the goodness inside me. Yet, when your other half doesn’t eat all day, then comes home and can get away with keeping his shape due to his beanpole height even when eating all the crap (admitidly, not as much as I can inhale on one of my oh to regular binges), it’s hard to resist when you’re so sluggish (caused by the aforementioned binge). Vicious circle. I know it. We all know it. I’m an eejit. At 37 years of age, I know less now than I did years ago. Monday I’m back at the gym, I’m all set to go. It won’t be easy, I know that, that’s the thing, I probably I have to learn to manage my patience along with anything else. Without that, how do I expect to succeed.
I want to get back to the gym, because like a lot of people out there – I enjoy it. Yes I’m hoping it will get me back in to a healthy shape, but I actually do it because I enjoy it. How it makes me feel inside, how it cleanses my mind, and how it utilises my time in a much more beneficial way.
MSO (My Significant Other) sent me a picture earlier of him wearing this tee he still always wears (mainly because I’m a laundry queen and it still looks good as new) from 5 years ago. 2014. It got me to thinking, 5 years ago (in two weeks actually), I left England and hit up NZ. I remember the images of that time well. My mind told me I was fat then. I look at those pictures from back then, flip, I’d do anything to look like that again. Sure, I’ll take that I’ve aged 5 years in that time, ‘eck we all have, but my gosh, the difference is shocking. Terrifying truth be told.
Goals (this all sounds familiar):
- Maintain the gym visits, but knowing how to balance out the workouts. Not ever day needs to be an intense sweat fest, leaving me in pain and unable to continue with the simple task, i.e. sitting on the toilet just for a quick leak thinking my legs have been mutilated whilst just trying to perform that slight sit and stand movement.
- Eat clean. I know I can do this, and I enjoy it so much more. It’s just the habit I need to break, and the prep I need to master.
- Appearance: actually take time to straighten my hair, even brushing it more than once every three days would be a good start. I love a good face mask, and top letting the greys hang around too long.
- Generally move more. Now I bus to work, where I sit for 8-9 hours, it’s tricky getting my 10,000 steps in. Lucky to make 3,000 most days. So 10,000 steps a day: nail it gurl.
- Yes you were awesome in the past, and yes you’re bloody not now, but trying to get back there when things have changed, you’ve grown, and discovered so many different things, it is a continuous bark at the bottom of the wrong tree. Focus on moving forward. Every day is a new day. You don’t have to push yourself to be something you’re not now, if you’re not meant to be this way, then you’ll change, naturally. For the right reasons, and not for the forced reasons.
- Be more open. MSO has changed his ways after a certain pickle, and I’ve forgiven him for that, now it’s time to prove it, let it go, but focusing on me, rather than his silly historic ways.
- Don’t be such a martyr, but at the same time, continue to take shizzle off no one. Those that forgot my birthday, and those that have broken promises, those that have shared information that wasn’t theirs to share, those that just simply don’t treat me right, yeah you’re off the list. I’m not removing the stubborn-ness as well, that’s what’s given me the strength to succeed through this life I’ve been dealt. And that makes me smile actually.
Not weight related, but wellness related, I’m back in to crafting. When I was back in the Mighty Blighty, I literally had shares in Hobbycraft I was shopping there so much. Maybe that’s why I was thinner, I was elbows deep in card stock and ink stamps, I didn’t have time to constantly visit the kitchen. I’m super excited to get back to Auckland and next week will not only be me finding my feet and retired muscles at the gym again, it will also be me getting high on cheap glue and creating some dazzlers that may be received by you thanks to Mr Postie. If you’ve not pissed me off that is.
Peace out readers, be nice to those around you, yourself and those that you’ve lost touch with. We appreciate that.
Tips always welcome. xoxo
PS. I’m glad I stocked up on munchies, my flight has been treated to further delays and all the stores are closed. Gosh I’m a smart cookie. Oh, cookie…